Please have your high visibility vests, your George mats and other health and safety equipment in place for this week’s episode of Queer Tango.
As always, please excuse the typos,
Episode 38: George Mats, Mouthwash and Baby Harnesses
Paulette did wonder about her own sanity when she decided on a new scene for the show involving George and ‘Stanetta,’ as Andy had dubbed him, doing an emotional yet strong tango. Stanetta, who was luring Hedges into an affair so she’d sell the knitting factory to him and Janis, was meant to be challenged by George, an ex-boyfriend, who ‘she’ still had feelings for. George, a member of the knitting factory staff, was meant to feel he could persuade her. She’d told Andy about her idea and he’d ‘hmmm’d’ which should really have told her it was a crazy idea and she’d need a bigger first aid kit to deal with George’s bruises but for some reason, she’d thought it would work… she was blaming her lack of sleep from Little Agnes.
‘George, I’ve seen how Diane limps. No stamping on my feet,’ Stanetta said and set his jaw, his wig flopping in his eyes. ‘I can’t wear heels if my toes are swollen.’
George tapped his bump cap, checked his elbow, knee and shin pads then squared his shoulders. ‘I don’t want your wig in my eyes.’ He put on some safety goggles.
Paulette peered through her fingers as the rest of the class sat down with tea and biscuits… and for safety because George had several George Mats around the space in Squishy but he’d still nearly concussed Tracy with his leg as he almost backflipped into a mat.
‘I needed to let it out of the bobble because it wouldn’t fit under my safety hat otherwise.’ Stanetta tapped his large hat with ear defenders moulded onto the sides and a set of goggles. ‘I have never needed to dance in toe protector shoes before.’
‘Then you’ve never danced properly,’ George said and held out his hand.
‘It’s very intense,’ Hedges said with an enthusiastic nod to Mary-Lou. ‘Even if George is wearing his cooking apron.’
Diane leaned over, munching on her biscuit. ‘He wasn’t going to wear it but he broke the zip on his trousers when he sort of somersaulted and took out the chairs.’
‘He’s been acrobatic with his George Mat-moves.’ Tracy snorted around her cup. ‘Maybe he inhaled some of Miriam’s mouthwash.’
Miriam tutted then licked over her teeth. She had a new mouthwash from a really nice supplier who had convinced her toffee mouthwash would really be popular and it would make her customers healthier. It didn’t taste much like toffee but she’d keep using it… might be an acquired taste.
‘You can tut as much as you like,’ Tracy said and rubbed at her lips with a shudder. ‘Smells like Ricky’s socks and his socks probably taste better.’
Mary-Lou chuckled. ‘It has an aroma to it… but I’m sure it works real well.’
Paulette nodded and chewed on her biscuit to try not to think about the taste. She’d tried it because Lanie wanted her to support Miriam but she was sure it smelled far worse than Ricky’s socks and tasted like something Janis would peel from the radiators.
George clutched Stanetta’s hand and he gripped back as if they were going to wrestle. ‘I know you still love me, Stanetta.’
Stan slammed his foot to the floor and the floorboard wobbled. ‘I don’t want you George or your fried foods. I’m into hedge trimmers.’
Hedges munched on her biscuit. ‘I do like a hedge trimmer.’ She glanced at Miriam then leaned into Mary-Lou. ‘I used the mouth wash to lubricate my favourite one… it hasn’t run that smoothly in years.’
Mary-Lou leaned in too. ‘I used it to oil my gears.’
‘I noticed you’ve been cycling a lot lately,’ Hedges said with a smile.
‘Lanie came up with a new way of getting in exercise while we work.’ Mary-Lou waved at Lanie who smiled and sipped at her tea. ‘She calls it working-from-bicycle.’
Hedges chomped on her biscuit as Stan stomped on George’s foot. ‘I can’t see the other board members enjoying that.’
Mary-Lou smirked. ‘Which is why Lanie suggested it. She’s still kinda mad they wanted the staff to wear pink lycra.’
‘And I’ve commissioned the council to have photographs of Trevor and his colleagues at the community centre in their lovely lycra uniforms,’ Glynnis said with a satisfied smile.
Mary-Lou chuckled then hid behind her cup as George hopped about. ‘She gets that Barney has his own ideas and he likes trying to beat Lanie up Bumblethorpe Hill.’
Lanie looked over and smirked. ‘He buys me an ice cream when he can’t. I’ve had lots of free ice cream.’
‘Then you should use the mouthwash,’ Miriam said ignoring George still hopping about.
‘You want me to taste of mouthwash?’ Lanie held her gaze and raised her eyebrows.
Miriam wrinkled up her face. ‘No.’
Lanie nodded. ‘Then can you stop using it because it’s disgusting.’
‘Ow,’ George muttered still rubbing his foot.
‘I told you not to step on my feet.’ Stan shrugged and yanked George into hold. ‘Now flop me backward so I can stick my leg out.’
Tammy whistled chomping on a Snickers. ‘You tell him, Stanetta.’ She turned to Janis. ‘Bit like you talked to him when he needed to call you to pull the plumbing from the Bee’s bathrooms.’
Janis nodded. ‘He didn’t like the smell.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Bathrooms don’t smell that nice when they’re in pubs.’
Tammy shook her head. ‘But they still smell better than Miriam’s mouthwash.’
Janis rubbed over her beard. ‘It was handy to get the sealant off though.’
Ceri leaned in and nodded. ‘And I’ve sold a bottle to every customer we had today… said it was good for cleaning the bathroom though.’
Miriam sighed. ‘But then it would smell worse than before you cleaned it.’
Andy bounced around with a baby harness on his back with Little Agnes inside giggling and Little Liza in his arms giggling as he tried to show George how to place his feet. George however was too busy trying to stamp on Stanetta’s feet or boot him in the shins.
Stan dodged and booted him back but George dodged.
Paulette raised her eyebrows. ‘It looks a bit like a tango.’
Andy kissed her on the forehead. ‘It looks like they’re too drunk to stand up straight to punch each other so they are trying to test their shin pads.’
‘He’s got shin pads on too,’ Gaynor said as she brushed through Diane’s hair and flicked her scissors about. She had used Miriam’s mouthwash on her scissors and wanted to try them out… they were much slicker… and she hoped Diane was into having a feathered effect around her face.
‘Stanetta, you can’t seduce Hedges. We need knitted jumpers.’ George tried to spin Stanetta around only Stan was stronger than him so he turned himself around and toppled.
‘Sweaters,’ Hedges translated with a biscuit.
‘Thanks, honey,’ Mary-Lou patted her on the shoulder.
‘I want your knitted jumpers for myself,’ Stan said and yanked George back to him.
‘Sweaters,’ Hedges translated again.
‘Thanks, honey,’ Mary-Lou said with a smirk.
‘Knickers,’ Tracy yelled around her cup then burst into laughter. ‘Sorry, I think the mouthwash has gone to my head.’
‘Panties,’ Hedges translated with a roll of her eyes.
‘Not chocolate, huh?’ Mary-Lou said then winked at Tammy who snorted.
‘It’s not that strong,’ Miriam muttered then chuckled. ‘Okay, it is that strong.’
‘Unhand me, you knitted jumper stealing person of non-discriminate gender,’ George said with his best mean voice then paused and looked at Andy.
‘I am impressed and slightly amazed,’ Andy said with a jiggle of Little Liza and Little Agnes. ‘Non-binary, dear Georgie, Ruby is very pleased.’
George grinned then hopped about as Stan booted him in the other shin.
‘I am a lady,’ Stan said in his deep voice. ‘A knitted jumper loving lady who you discarded.’
George rubbed at his shin then slipped and headbutted Stan in the nose. ‘I didn’t like the wig.’
Diane looked at Paulette and Glynnis who was watching Agnes clean the kettle. ‘Should I need to check his blood levels of mouthwash?’
Agnes peered up. ‘It is fantastic for getting off the limescale.’
Glynnis nodded then eyed her tea cup. ‘It is also fantastic for making the council give it out as a new healthy initiative to its community centre staff.’
Stanetta gripped his nose then yanked George by his apron strings. ‘This is my real hair.’
George thunked his bump cap to Stanetta’s hat. ‘I believed you when we were in love… but I’ve seen your blue sparkly wig and I’ve been shopping with you.’
Andy nodded to Diane. ‘He wanted to get you a gold handbag.’
Diane rolled her eyes. ‘Boot him again, Stanetta.’
‘Oi,’ George stopped and put his hand on one hip. ‘You’re meant to want me to sort him out.’
‘You wanted me to have a gold handbag.’ She pursed her lips. ‘I’m very touched you bought me a lovely handbag instead though.’
George smiled. ‘I picked it.’
‘With help,’ Stanetta said and grabbed him into hold and they charged across the floor. George tripped over Stanetta’s boot, flew sideways, Stanetta flew over him in a perfect jive throw.
Gaynor smirked as the ladies hid their eyes. ‘He has shorts on.’
Andy nodded. ‘Frilly ones.’
George thunked down onto one knee as Stanetta slid in the splits. He grabbed George’s hand and he jerked over him in a wrestling throw then landed on one foot as Stanetta clunked into him in a rugby tackle.
‘It’s a very violent tango,’ Hedges said around her cup.
‘It is. It’s nearly as violent as Miriam’s check-ups.’ Ceri munched on her biscuit.
‘I could give you mouthwash instead,’ Miriam said, peering down her nose.
Stanetta oof’d as George tripped over his foot, spun them around and they flipped then slammed into the George mat. Paulette sipped at her tea as the class clapped George who’d somehow removed Stanetta’s hat and his wig and was holding it up in triumph. Yes, some tangos were fierce and some just needed George mats, mouthwash and baby harnesses.