Queer Tango Episode 58: A hop, a step and a Snickers

Hi there,

Paulette is backstage with the class but their warm up isn’t really… quite as she would like.

As always, please excuse the typos.

Big Smiles,


Queer Tango

Episode 58: A hop, a step and a Snickers

The class was backstage ready for another show and Paulette rolled her eyes at the professionalism of the group: Hedges was on a couch with Billington on her lap eating George’s sandwich which was on the table as Hedges chatted away to Mary-Lou without noticing. Mary-Lou, in yoga pants, was stretching out as Stan, beside her, tried to avoid being pushed into Gaynor by Mary-Lou’s bottom. He was trying to adjust his wig as Gaynor polished her glasses and danced with Liza who snored so loudly Billington occasionally barked back in response.

George was tottering around in his heels trying to practice walking but he had caught Lanie on the toes several times so she was intermittently hopping about and muttering while Miriam attempted to put makeup on her. So far, she looked… interesting. Miriam wasn’t noticing the hopping because she was discussing patients with Ceri who was putting makeup on Janis while marching on the spot. The girls were playing with Little Agnes on the floor wiggling their legs as if walking too. Diane was hunched over the biscuit selection by Agnes’ kettle in deep discussion with Glynnis over Trevor deciding he was going into hairdressing. Glynnis was explaining that Trevor felt hairdressing wasn’t too far off hedge trimming so he wanted to do both and that Barry had been trying to tell Diane’s customers that their hair wasn’t washed properly and smelled like a bin.

Andy was preening himself in the mirror gossiping to Tracy about how low his dress for the engagement party was and whether it was acceptable to the punters in the Bee. Tracy was telling him that low worked just fine for Tammy and Tammy was agreeing amidst putting on her shoes and chomping a Snickers. Janis was spluttering, with the powder on her face as Agnes tried to give her a biscuit.

Yes, her class were, as always, focused on performing to their best.

‘Are you going to warm up at least?’ Paulette muttered and looked around for her plimsole to thwack.

‘This is warming up,’ Tammy said, chewing and waving at her foot. ‘I don’t reach these feet often.’

George wobbled on his heels, stepped on Lanie’s toe again and clattered into the wall. ‘I am practicing.’

Lanie hopped around. ‘I’m pretty warm,’ she said as another splodge of lipstick smattered across her cheek.

‘I think he’ll need his molar removed,’ Miriam said without noticing the lipstick was worn down and she was applying it to thin air. ‘I don’t know whether to wait until he’s secured until I tell him.’

‘I say wait,’ Ceri said dabbing her powder dish. ‘He is very flighty.’ She flicked the brush into Janis’ face.

Janis sneezed and the biscuit between her lips flew across the room into Glynnis’ bottom. She turned, eyed Stan who was bent over to put on his wig properly, and tapped him on the head with her feathery sash.

Stan jumped and flapped at his neck. ‘Spider!’

His wig fell off and Agnes jumped on it and he bumped Gaynor’s hand so her glasses went flying. Billington leapt off Hedges’ lap, used Mary-Lou’s bottom as a spring board and caught the glasses in the air. Mary-Lou rolled forward into Tammy who dropped her Snickers with a gasp. Lanie, hopping around, lunged to catch the chocolate for her, only to topple sideways as she did so and knock Diane into Tracy who splatted into Andy and they rolled onto the floor.

Miriam turned only enough to see Andy roll into her, her lipstick flew at Hedges who took it in the forehead, then Miriam hit Ceri’s arm and the brush flew at Hedges and hit her in the chin so she had lipstick smeared on her forehead and blusher on her lips and in her mouth.

The girls carried on playing with Little Agnes—they came to class often—and Little Liza snored a loud snore. Billington narrowed his eyes and pounced Gaynor in the back of the legs, she dropped onto Hedges lap with a surprised ‘ooh,’ Billington placed the glasses on her lap and Liza snored happily—she was in class a lot too.

Paulette met Andy’s eyes as her mother kept trampling on Stan’s wig as Little Agnes pulled out her own plimsole and thwacked it to the floor.

‘I agree with her,’ Paulette said and shook her head. Yes, her class’s preparation was a focused, professional, a hop, a step and a Snickers.

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